My road to getting where I am, has been an interesting one. When I reflect, I wonder how on earth I did it.
The earliest I remember being sexually abused was about six years old. I remember thinking, “what is happening? This should not be happening!” I was frozen with fear and didn’t know what to do. Eventually, when he finally let me go, I ran as fast as I could away from him. I could hear him calling after me, “I was only teasing you!” I wanted to tell someone so bad but didn’t. My six-year-old mind was thinking, “who is going to believe me over him? Why would they believe he would do something like this? Everyone loves him.” So, I said nothing. He got hs hands on my and cornered me a few more times, but I got good at avoiding him by reading his body language and mood. I knew when to stay away from him. I said nothing for 40 years.
During those 40 years, I kept it mainly to myself. (There were a handful of near and dear friends I confided in.) I felt very insecure and self-conscious. Throughout high school, I did not date. The thought of being intimate with a boy made me physically ill, which would make dating hard. I thought I was a freak. All my friends were dating. Instead, I made myself so busy with schoolwork and working two part time jobs that 1) no one would question why I wasn’t dating and 2) if a boy would ask me out, I had excuses as to why I couldn’t go.
During this time, I developed debilitating digestive issues that no doctor was able to diagnose. Physically, they could find nothing wrong with me! The doctor summed it up to stress. I was trying to do too much! What I was busy doing was running from the very thing I needed to address and heal from-the abuse. But I would put those pieces together until almost 35 years later. The doctor recommended a bland diet and a physical activity to release my stress. I found that in working out! I loved it! The digestive issues subsided, and I felt much better physically-but I still couldn’t date.
As I reached legal drinking age and entered the bar scene, going out with my friends and having a couple of drinks seemed to help me with my dating issue. At 22, I finally had my first boyfriend. Throughout the rest of my 20’s, I had a few significant relationships. I married at 30 and had the first of my two children at 32. I was now responsible for two tiny human beings. I knew how to protect myself, but how do I protect them? I loved them both with all my heart and wanted nothing more than to protect them from the world. That is when it all came rushing back! Not in the form of memories. I had never forgotten what happened or blocked it out, the insecurity, the fear, not trusting anyone in caring for my kids except for maybe 3 people. My abuser had been someone no one would have guessed in a 100, no 1000 years! He was hands down someone my parents trusted to the ends of the earth!! So, I was very protective of my kids. I mean, Spidey senses on high alert ALL the time!
I knew, for the most part, where some of my issues stemmed from. I was able to evaluate my reaction to different situations involving the kids and somewhat determine if it was legit or related to the abuse. I also had a wonderful support system by this time that helped me sort through a ton of heavy stuff!
I found Sound Therapy through one of these wonderful friends about 5 years ago! Sound Therapy for me, was so impactful! I decided to tell my family about the abuse almost 2 years ago. At that point, I was okay with whether they believed me or not. It was the truth, regardless if anyone believed me, it happened. I had decided to become a Sound Therapy Practitioner because of the amount of healing it assisted me with. Since then, I have had numerous people come to me because they had experienced the same or similar abuse as I did. I used to think I was in the minority and as a child thought I was the only one this was happening to, and that it made me a freak. I wasn’t like the other kids. Little did I know I wasn’t in a minority and I wasn’t a freak. Unfortunately, I have a lot of company in this area.
I am grateful to be where I am now in my healing journey. It is truly a journey. I still have things surface occasionally that I address. The trauma and abuse no longer define me. I am grateful for the people who came into my life at just the right time that helped me, some are aware they helped me, and some are not. I am grateful that my prayers were heard in that if given the opportunity to heal myself, I would reach back around and help others do the same.
I believe that we are here to help each other through this life. Sound Therapy is one tool I use to assist myself in moving forward in all areas of my life. There are other tools I utilize as well. The more tools in your toolbox, the more efficient you can be!
Visit this blog often to read more about the amazing tools that I utilize in my day to day life! I can’t wait to share them with you!